Towards the end of my day, an elderly African American woman comes into my office. Dressed in a forest green pea coat and mad hatter cap she makes her way up to my office and asks about setting up an account. Although it was hard to understand her as she was having difficulty breathing after drinking what I assume to be a fifth and a half of Hennessey, she manages to slouch down in the chair on the other side of my desk.
"I'll need to see your valid pieces of identification before we can begin Mam." At which point Wheezy from the Jeffersons pulls out a piece of photo identification that expired years before I was born. "I'm sorry, do you have anything more current? This does not constitute valid identification."
It was at this point that I actually turned from staring into my monitor and made direct eye contact to deliver my speech about acceptable I.D.'s when I saw what Wheezy was wearing under her pea coat she was wearing a lace buttoned down blouse with her top and bottom buttons affixed but everything in between was all out in the open. I looked closely at what I assumed to be an odd fabric brown shirt underneath her blouse but unfortunately I became certain that I was looking directly at this drunk elderly woman's nipple that was poking out the center of her shirt just slightly above waist level yet large enough to set a rocks glass on.
"If you could come back with valid ID I would be happy to help you, please take my card and call me if you have any questions." At which point she gathered up her wares, threw my business card back onto the desk and said, "You ain't seein my business here no more!" Which was unfortunately a little to late as far as I was concerned, I'd seen far too much of her business already.
I quickly ran into the next office to explain the situation to J-lo, my co-worker, telling her how ugly the breast was reminding me of a Jimmy Dean sausage cut right down the middle making me want to scream out, "Wheezy's cooking Johnsonville Brauts!" Never having been with a woman sexually I haven't seen a nipple that large since I was six months old, then asking her if that was too old to be breast feeding.
She laughed and said her sister breast fed her boy until he was three years old. "The sister that is always coming in to visit you here?" "That's the one, we all used to tease her about it at family functions."
MENTAL NOTE: Next time J-lo's sister comes into the office, remember to comment on the size of her chest and ask what she's doing for lunch.