Friday, March 04, 2005

Johnsonville Breasts

My day, as usual, tops the last in the variety of people I meet in an afternoon at bank in the middle of two completely different demographic groups.

Towards the end of my day, an elderly African American woman comes into my office. Dressed in a forest green pea coat and mad hatter cap she makes her way up to my office and asks about setting up an account. Although it was hard to understand her as she was having difficulty breathing after drinking what I assume to be a fifth and a half of Hennessey, she manages to slouch down in the chair on the other side of my desk.

"I'll need to see your valid pieces of identification before we can begin Mam." At which point Wheezy from the Jeffersons pulls out a piece of photo identification that expired years before I was born. "I'm sorry, do you have anything more current? This does not constitute valid identification."

It was at this point that I actually turned from staring into my monitor and made direct eye contact to deliver my speech about acceptable I.D.'s when I saw what Wheezy was wearing under her pea coat she was wearing a lace buttoned down blouse with her top and bottom buttons affixed but everything in between was all out in the open. I looked closely at what I assumed to be an odd fabric brown shirt underneath her blouse but unfortunately I became certain that I was looking directly at this drunk elderly woman's nipple that was poking out the center of her shirt just slightly above waist level yet large enough to set a rocks glass on.

"If you could come back with valid ID I would be happy to help you, please take my card and call me if you have any questions." At which point she gathered up her wares, threw my business card back onto the desk and said, "You ain't seein my business here no more!" Which was unfortunately a little to late as far as I was concerned, I'd seen far too much of her business already.

I quickly ran into the next office to explain the situation to J-lo, my co-worker, telling her how ugly the breast was reminding me of a Jimmy Dean sausage cut right down the middle making me want to scream out, "Wheezy's cooking Johnsonville Brauts!" Never having been with a woman sexually I haven't seen a nipple that large since I was six months old, then asking her if that was too old to be breast feeding.

She laughed and said her sister breast fed her boy until he was three years old. "The sister that is always coming in to visit you here?" "That's the one, we all used to tease her about it at family functions."

MENTAL NOTE: Next time J-lo's sister comes into the office, remember to comment on the size of her chest and ask what she's doing for lunch.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Virgin Blogger 1

I have always wanted to write a book about my life. Before I start with who I am. Lets just see if I have anything to say worth reading. My thoughts on dating, careers, and embarrasing moments at corporate cocktail parties are all to come.

Working in a bank has its advantages. Those of you who think an internet dating service or referral through a friend is the best way to meet a guy, you're wrong.

Sure the website might give you an opportunity to find out all the discustingly kinky things he was going to wait until after marrage to share with you such as what color jump rope he likes to be spanked with before having sex in a bathtub full of pudding but that's so minor who really cares anyway.

Dating friends of friends seems the best way to find out who the guy really is and if he will be compatable with you. Your friends know you and would never match you with someone that didn't sleep eight hours a night and eat a balanced diet, would they?

For those of you that have found Mr. Right only to find out he came with a bitter ex, a gambling or drug problem, or the inability to keep a job longer than two paychecks.....listen closely. Know your man, know his overdrafts. Working at a bank, you know more about someone than they would ever tell their friends.

You know exactly which neighborhood you will be houseshopping in because you can see his direct deposit history. How much work do you have ahead of you to make this animal a mate? Well he only spends $5 at the adult bookstore with his ATM card once a month and subscribes to two internet porn billing services so it's workable. He buys groceries at the gas station so he can't cook. He has never had anyone else on his account so he's either gay or waiting for the right girl. He has never overdrawn his account and has automatic payment to a student loan company........perfect match! A sexualy active, financially responsible, addiction free consumer just waiting for a controlling spouse with expensive tastes who loves to cook and is willing to work hard at the bank until the dotted lines are signed.

Money is the biggest factor in relationships no matter how many times you watch Luke and Laura get married on General Hospital and tell yourself love is all you need. Forget eharmony and instead subscribe to creditreports dot com.

Bad boys may be fun, but boys who can't balance a checkbooks leave nasty nicks on our credit history bedposts.

Spell check is not working for me on here, someone please share how to use it.